Why Success Doesn't End the Need to Prove Yourself
Many leaders assume the pressure they're carrying comes from their workload, responsibilities, or the pace of modern life. Angus Nelson offers a different perspective. What if the real challenge isn't simply stress, but the stories we're still carrying about success, worth, and what we believe we need to prove? This exploration examines why so many high performers feel exhausted despite their achievements—and what becomes possible when we stop waiting for permission from everyone else.
Get a copy of Angus Nelson's book "Neuro Resilient Leader"
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What If You Had Nothing To Prove?
For years, leaders have responded to uncertainty the same way: by working harder.
When markets shift, they adapt. When challenges arise, they push through. When life becomes unpredictable, they focus on what they can control and keep moving forward.
That approach has served many people well. It has built companies, careers, and opportunities. It has helped leaders navigate difficult seasons and accomplish goals they once thought were out of reach.
But Angus Nelson argues that something has changed.
Over the last several years, uncertainty has stopped feeling temporary. A global pandemic gave way to economic volatility, political division, technological disruption, and a constant stream of information competing for our attention. Rather than moving through isolated periods of stress, many people have been living in what Nelson describes as a "relentless drumbeat of uncertainty."
For high performers, the instinct is often to respond with more effort. Work harder. Move faster. Solve the problem.
The challenge, as Nelson puts it, is simple:
"You can't outwork velocity."
At some point, effort stops being the solution because the problem is no longer about effort.
When Survival Mode Becomes Normal
One of the most important observations Nelson makes is that people often adapt to unhealthy levels of pressure without realizing it.
When stress becomes constant, it starts to feel normal. The tension that once felt unusual becomes familiar. The pace that once felt unsustainable becomes expected.
Many leaders don't think of themselves as operating in survival mode because nothing appears to be falling apart. They're still showing up. They're still producing results. They're still handling responsibilities.
Yet beneath the surface, something has changed.
Decision-making becomes harder. Rest feels uncomfortable. The mind rarely slows down. Even success can feel strangely unsatisfying because the nervous system has become accustomed to operating from a state of activation.
Nelson's argument isn't that leaders need to become less ambitious. It's that many people have adapted to a level of pressure their nervous systems were never designed to sustain indefinitely.
The result is that stress stops feeling like an exception and starts feeling like a personality trait.
The Stories That Continue Leading Us
While many conversations about leadership focus on strategy, Nelson is interested in something deeper.
He points to the stories people carry about themselves.
Stories about achievement.
Stories about success.
Stories about what makes someone valuable.
Stories about who they need to become before they can finally feel secure, respected, or fulfilled.
These stories don't disappear when success arrives. In many cases, success simply gives them more room to operate.
Someone can build an impressive career and still be driven by the same internal pressures they carried years earlier. They can achieve goals, earn recognition, and gain influence while continuing to believe that their worth depends on what they accomplish next.
That is why achievement and peace are not always connected.
One is external.
The other is internal.
And confusing the two can leave even highly successful people feeling as though they are still chasing something they can never quite catch.
This idea connects closely to You Don’t Need a Bigger Story—You Need to Notice the One You’re Already Living, which explores how the narratives we carry continue shaping our decisions long after we've stopped questioning them.
The Permission You're Waiting For
As the conversation develops, Nelson shifts from pressure to something even more fundamental: permission.
Many people spend years waiting for life to grant them permission to change.
Permission to slow down.
Permission to define success differently.
Permission to want something else.
Permission to stop performing for other people's expectations.
The challenge is that permission rarely arrives from the places we expect.
Not from a promotion.
Not from a title.
Not from a milestone.
Not from external validation.
At one point, Nelson offers a simple observation that sits at the heart of his message:
"The only person you need permission from is yourself."
For many leaders, that idea is both liberating and uncomfortable.
If no one else can grant permission, then no one else can withhold it either.
The responsibility shifts back to us.
It forces a different question. Instead of asking whether we've earned the right to pursue the life we want, we have to decide whether we're willing to give ourselves that right.
For leaders wrestling with authenticity, expectations, and visibility, Building Visibility Without Becoming Performative explores a similar tension.
Nothing To Lose, Nothing To Prove, Nothing To Gain
Perhaps the most memorable idea Nelson shares is his definition of true power.
"The most powerful person in any room has nothing to lose, nothing to prove, and nothing to gain."
It's a striking statement because it runs against so much conventional leadership advice.
Modern leadership often focuses on accumulation. More influence. More success. More credibility. More authority.
Nelson points in a different direction.
What if power isn't about adding something?
What if it's about releasing the constant need to prove something?
The need to prove ourselves shapes more of our decisions than many of us realize. It influences the opportunities we pursue, the expectations we accept, and the pressure we place on ourselves. It convinces us that our value is still being negotiated.
But leadership changes when worth is no longer on trial.
Ambition remains.
Goals remain.
Growth remains.
The difference is that success is no longer responsible for answering questions about identity.
What Do You Really Want?
Near the end of the discussion, Nelson returns to a question that sounds simple but can be surprisingly difficult to answer:
What do you really want?
Not what looks impressive.
Not what other people expect.
Not what you've always done.
What do you actually want?
For many leaders, that question marks the beginning of a different kind of growth.
One that is less concerned with proving and more concerned with alignment.
One that is less focused on external validation and more focused on internal clarity.
One that recognizes that freedom may not come from achieving more, but from no longer needing achievement to define your worth.
Angus Nelson explores these ideas further in The Neuro-Resilient Leader. Leaders interested in developing a clearer sense of conviction may also enjoy How Leaders Develop a Point of View, which explores how leaders learn to trust their own perspective rather than relying on external validation.
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Angus Nelson: There is so much disruption and change, and it's been like a relentless drumbeat of uncertainty. And our nervous systems can't sustain the load, and it treats everything like some sort of a prehistoric life-threatening emergency when it's not.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: I'm gonna use this as a little personal coaching for me.
Angus Nelson: Bring it. Let's go, JJ.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Welcome to Badass Softy, a podcast for leaders who are unapologetically ambitious and want to lead with heart because you're allowed to chase big goals without losing what makes you human. I'm your host, Dr. JJ Peterson. I have talked to a lot of people lately who just feel like their nervous system is on edge.
Anxiety is high. Our bodies are feeling the stress. Uh, everybody feels like they're in fight or flight mode, and it's been like this for a while. And then kind of you add on top of that, we're all trying to operate at this high speed, high achievement environment in the midst of constant uncertainty, information overload.
AI is taking over the world, uh, on top of the emotional pressure that we feel in our every day. And I think we're all kind of finding we can't really live in this state anymore because over time, that pressure quickly erodes our clarity in what we want, confidence, emotional regulation, decision making.
We kind of get in this, you know, decision paralysis mode, and it, and it's not always dramatic. A lot of times it's a little bit more subtle and we know something is wrong, but we don't know how to fix it. Well, today I am talking with my friend, author, speaker, and executive coach Angus Nelson. He recently released the book Neural Resilient Leader, and I love this book.
Angus argues that the real challenge we are all facing today isn't just, like, strategy or how to work harder and hustle and get better. The challenge is re- really about whether our nervous systems can actually sustain the pace of lives that we're living. And I just think this conversation, it felt so incredibly timely because whether you're leading a company or a team or j- your family, or really just leading yourself by simply trying to stay grounded in this world that feels increasingly overwhelming, I think this episode is going to give you a lot to think about.
So I'm so excited for you to hear my conversation today with Angus Nelson Angus, I am so excited to have you on the podcast. You and I have, um, a lot of different, turns out a lot of friends in common in the business space, in the coaching space, in the marketing space, and we both have spoken at, uh, at Social Media Marketing World, and you have been even a coach to the speakers there.
And you, y- y- your reputation preceded you in a really powerful way, but I don't know that you and I ever got to talk in any kind of meaningful way other than like, "Hey, how are you doing? Oh, you got a book coming out, oh, da, da," for, you know, the last few times we'd been around each other. And then there was a moment at this year's conference where I had been going through some pretty
I, I had something physical happen to me that kind of scared me. I was kind of in the middle of a bunch of stress, and you walked by, and you just paused for a minute and just started asking me a couple questions. And then you sat down for about 20 minutes and talked to me and encouraged me and challenged me and gave me some very quick little tips that honestly just, uh- W- uh, life-changing might...
I don't wanna, you know, throw that on you yet, but, like
Angus Nelson: Mm.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: The way that you actually gave me attention and sat down in the moment and spoke into me was one of the most powerful things that happened at that whole entire conference for me. And for that reason, y- that's why you're here, because I truly believe that you are a badass softie, so thank you- Mm
for being here today.
Angus Nelson: JJ, thank you for those kind words, and yeah, it's my pleasure. It's just, I mean, it's just kinda how I am, and- Yeah. ... you know, it did not come with- without a lot of my own, you know, scars, and trials and tribulations, and I think, you know, life is interesting how when you go through a bunch of shit, you know, and it kicks you in the, in the nether regions a couple of times how humble you can become, and if you turn it into a superpower, it becomes the most essential empathy and compassion and connection of any human nature, uh, skillset available.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Yeah, I mean, I've always said, "I don't trust people who haven't gone through hard things." Mm-hmm. Like, like if people who actually go through hard things and come out the other side are the people that I kinda wanna be around, because they, they are willing to own their scars and share their scars in a way that I think connects us all.
And you know, like s- you said, that's how you show up in this world, and people see that and are drawn to it. And you are working right now in the space of helping people become what you call neuro-resilient leaders. Why is this, like a, you know, you've done a lot of different things over your career, but why specifically right now are you focusing on this area of helping people become neuro-resilient leaders?
Angus Nelson: I think the main reason is we all have this unspoken thing we're all contending with over the last six years, has slowly crept up on us, kinda like the, the frog in the boiling water, where, you know, not only did we come out of a pandemic, but then we also went into all this other volatility, whether it be market, economic, political, all the global complexity.
Then add to that technology and AI. There is so much disruption and change, and it's been like a relentless drumbeat of uncertainty. And all we know how to do is, particularly with high performers that I work with, is we just push harder, and that has gotten to a point where our nervous systems, uh, can't sustain the load, and you can't outwork velocity, as much as we think we can.
So therefore, every single business problem that people are contending with, or their career, or the things that perhaps they just got, you know, let go from a company- All those different things seem like, what is going on? Why, why do I not have feet under me? I, I don't, I don't have any firm footing, right?
So that turns into analysis paralysis and, you know, from companies it's stalled innovation, it's bad communication. People are highly reactive. Talent is getting hemorrhaged because of either, uh, ways where they're disengaging 'cause they feel they don't have a place, or they're in a place where they cannot find a role to fill.
And so all these different things are happening in the internal operating system that makes us human is the part that's becoming the single greatest and most expensive bottleneck in our world. And until people recognize that the reason why they're grinding their teeth, the reason why they're not sleeping, the reason why their relationships are having weird interactions is because your nervous system is dysregulated, and it treats everything like some sort of a prehistoric life-threatening emergency when it's not.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: I, I don't know if the camera was on me or you during that whole time, but all I was doing was just nodding my head like- Mm ... to every single word that you were saying. I was just like, "Yes. Yes. Yes." I think so many of the people that I talk to, just like not only in business and in leadership, but just friends, are just kind of feeling like if when it comes to their nervous system and when it comes to s- just even the word they might use to just like stress and anxiety, they're pretty much at the top level all the time.
Like, they are kind of at the edge, and a small, tiny thing overflows their cup. Like, it's just like they're already living right there. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, y- y- you know, something happened i- in to our car this week. It's like- Yeah ... all of a sudden, uh, the, the, the battery died in our car, and now that is the end of the world.
I mean, it's- Yeah, yeah ... not really, but- But it feels like it ... you know, in the moment- Right ... it's like, well, how can this now happen and we're not gonna be able to do this, and we can't do this? All of a sudden, what w- is just a battery replacement, which means we literally need to drive down and get a battery taken care of, and yes, it's a little bit extra money, all of a sudden feels like something that I'm just incapable of doing.
And you go, "But I'm a f- high-functioning adult who can do a lot of things, and has traveled the world and built business and all these," and I can't figure out, I'm paralyzed about changing a battery? Like, that often, I feel so many people are kind of in that space right now. And you're right, like, the talk about AI and stuff that's going on in the world with wars and, you know, laws that are changing in America.
And you know, and then you add on top of that the scrolling of social media. We are just kind of constantly living in this wound up state. I mean, are, are you finding that as you're talking with people? Is that just like everybody's experiencing this?
Angus Nelson: I think that's the majority of people. Um, they are just dysregulated, and again, it's 'cause we can't tell what's true from what's not true.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Yeah.
Angus Nelson: And the inputs that we're having around us, whether it just be, you know, listening to s- you know, the news, whatever side of the political spectrum you're on, everything is, uh, ongoing 24/7. And then even our social feeds, people are having these interactions where it's just agitation of some form or fashion.
Or the other end of the spectrum is it's just absolute numbing, and we're wallowing in this pain that nobody's really identifying. Nobody's saying, "This is what's going on." We have just accepted it as normal, that this is a survival state is actually living when it's not, and we've bought into a lie to think that we have to be in this place.
And I feel like our family, we, we moved our family here to Portugal four years ago. And in some ways I feel like it has given me the perspective that I have now is because I was able to step away from the anxiety, stress, and hustle that I used to be in when I was in the States, and I used to speak on all these stages, and I was always doing all the things.
I came over here, I lost all my network. I don't have all the stages to speak on. I don't have all the things doing... And I actually just chilled. You know, I just ran my business, did my thing. It suffered a little bit here and there, and then I wrote a book. And I, like, I've been able to have a little bit more objectivity while I process my own pain.
Mm. I got away from it so I could get healing in my own heart, and I feel like it's in some sort of universe, spiritual, divine destiny. I don't know, whatever, whatever label you wanna give it, it prepared me for this moment where I'm seeing through a different lens, and every time I talk, as you described, heads start nodding.
I was in, uh, Galway, Ireland last week speaking in front of 400 executives from, like, CVS, Abbott, uh, like, all these, like, healthcare companies, Medi- Medtronic, blah, blah, blah. 400 people, heads just nodding Just nodding. And so if you think of it that way, okay, if this is actually what's going on, like, what's the answer?
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Everybody just needs to move to Portugal .
Angus Nelson: Please don't. You're just gonna bring... Wherever you go, there, there you are, right? So-
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Eh, fine.
Angus Nelson: And I also say in the book, "What is your Portugal?"
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Yeah.
Angus Nelson: Right? Your Portugal may be something else. It may be a different role. It may be a different business. It may be Ecuador.
You know? Uh, whatever. Like, all of us have a place that we can go to because the essence of what I talk about is twofold. One is what I call the nothingness. The most powerful person in any room has nothing to lose, nothing to prove, and nothing to gain, and that's the internal state. When you can walk into a room with that kind of energy, you become magnetic.
That's true peace and it's true power in the same moment.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Real quick, though, with that, so say those, say those three again. Nothing to prove, noth- Say those three.
Angus Nelson: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to gain.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Hmm. Yeah, that, I mean, that, n- obviously that feels like freedom, but most of us obviously are not living there, you know, in that space, right?
And I think you're right. With all the social media and everything and the hustle culture and everything, she tells us that you actually do have something to prove. You do need something. You need to earn respect. You need to... And all of those things. And when we buy into those ideas that we have to be those things, I think that also, that contributes to the stress because we're all so kind of inundated with all of these other messages that say the opposite of that.
Angus Nelson: So watch this. The reason why we do all these external things to get the eyeballs, to get the paycheck, to get the role, to get the title, is because we believe on some level when we acquire that, we will feel a different way about ourselves. And so we perform all of these things for everyone else, but what we don't do is perform who we authentically are.
And so we're doing everything outside to try and meet an inside when the truth is, just like Dorothy, click your heels, there's no place like home, what if instead you build the inside so that you can provide the outside? Meaning when I walk into a room from a nothingness, everything I do doesn't mean that I've lost ambition, doesn't mean that I don't have capabilities and possibility.
What it means is I do it for a different motive. I do it as an expression of my power, an expression of my passion, an expression of my being, and now I'm doing it because it's actually me. I'm not trying to do a thing to become a thing. I am the thing, and wherever I go, the thing comes with. And so the difference between someone who does that and who doesn't is this thing called permission We're waiting for somebody else to give us permission to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be satisfied.
But what if instead you gave yourself permission? The only person you need to get permission from is yourself And suddenly you operate from sovereignty, from this place of power, this personal power, from this place of agency. That's the piece most people are missing.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna use this as a little personal coaching for me.
Um,
Angus Nelson: Bring it. Let's
Dr. J.J. Peterson: go, JJ.
Angus Nelson: In
Dr. J.J. Peterson: this way. We're gonna, we're gonna dive in. And w- the first, as you're talking, there's kind of two different ... I mean, obviously, the first question I have is, of course, how? So how do I do this, you know, quickly? But in the, in the immediate, there's, there's kind of these two things that we've mentioned here.
You're, you were talking about some of the external factors that are contributing to the stress, right? So we have the, the world, the social media, the AI of it all, right? So we live in a world that kind of automatically heightens our nervous system. There are some external factors that contribute to that.
And then we have the internal factors of, like, the permission to believe that you don't have to prove anything or you don't have to show up in a different way than anything other than you are. And my, my first question i- in that is how do those two things work together?
Angus Nelson: Uh, if you'll turn to page 29 in my book.
I have it. Uh, no, actually, um, there's actually some truth in there. You'll see the whole model, right?
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Yeah.
Angus Nelson: The easiest way I can describe it, and very succinctly, is to say that your brain is like a supercomputer, and it takes in information and data just like any other computer. It's based on all the stories and beliefs you've built throughout your life, in addition to the external influences or indoctrinations of the news you listen to, the music, the movies.
Whatever you're watching that's coming in through your eyes, your ears, your experience, every day is in- is influencing you. Whatever it is, good or bad, indifferent, doesn't matter, it's always influencing you. And what if you got really intentional about what influences you? Okay, so I'll just put a pin in that.
That information comes into the supercomputer as data. The supercomputer takes the data, and what computers love to do is they validate information. And the way that our bodies and our brains do this, and this is on a conscious but, more importantly, subconscious level, it wants to qu- create equilibrium amongst whatever the data set is with its actual external experience.
Mm. We must experience congruence. That's the way that we're wired. So therefore, if you believe shit about yourself, I'm just gonna say bluntly-
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Yeah ...
Angus Nelson: what your subconscious will either create or attract through relationships, opportunities, and experiences will reflect the same bullshit So if you are dating someone and this person is unpleasant, you break up with them, you date a different person, and you experience the same unpleasantries.
You break up with them. You get with the next person. You experience the same unpleasantries. It's not about those individuals. You've attracted your favorite pain, and you'll do it over and over again until you change the internal operating system because o- on your brain, your, your, your reptilian amygdala brain wants to experience things that are called safe, meaning I've always experienced it.
It's what I'm used to experiencing. I don't know if I'm ready to experience something different. In the book, I call it the guardian. It's that inner critic, that inner voice that we hear, and most people think it's an enemy, and I would tell you it's more like helicopter parent is the best way to say it.
It wants to keep you in this little containment because, "Hey, this is... Don't... Hey, you shouldn't go over there. Don't go over there. No, you don't, don't, don't stand in that spotlight. You don't know what they're gonna do. You don't know what you're gonna become. You don't know what responsibilities you'll have to carry."
That's the inner guardian. So we change that voice by first addressing, say, "Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Appreciate how you've kept me safe and served me all these years, but now I'm ready to leave the nest. I'm ready to experience something different." So then we backtrack. What are those inputs?
What is that stories you're telling yourself from your past? Let's reformat the hard drive. The things that happened to you, evil, bad, painful, give them a new frame Those things were the tuition I paid to become who I am now. Those stories that I've built that said I don't deserve, those stories I say that I just got lucky, those stories that I say whatever negative, I now turn into positive.
It taught me humility. It taught me compassion. It taught me a different perspective of where I stand in the world.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: I, I, I'm, uh, you know, obviously as you're talking, like, my brain is just kind of like going through different stories that I s- would say, like, uh, happen in my own head, right? So let's, uh, take a specific one here, and that you even mentioned that, um, the idea of that any success that comes to me came because I got lucky.
If that's the story that's on a loop in my head, then any time that I got passed o- get passed over, the story that I keep saying is, "Well, see, I didn't deserve it anyway to begin with." And then any time a success does happen, I can say, "Well, see? It's 'cause I got lucky. It's not about me. It's about this other person."
Is that kind of... I mean, is that what you're talking about in this context is, like, say, that's a loop that is an internal, that then I'm also looking for those moments externally outside of me to validate the story that I'm already telling myself.
Angus Nelson: Yeah. And both. Uh, in my book, I actually tell a story where I got this revelation from my own past, where I ran an innovation association for Fortune 500 brands.
I won't go into all the story. You'll have to read it in the book. But I always thought that my colleague that we start, I started the company with, his name is Jeremiah, and Jeremiah picked me, and I got lucky. And suddenly I'm working with these Fortune 500 brands. There's 75 companies, over 200 senior executives, everything from Walmart to Disney, BMW, Coca-Cola, Wells Fargo, General Electric, on and on and on, these massive companies.
Some were, you know, C-suite. Some are, you know, presidents. Like, I'm working with some of the top talent in the world. What am I doing here? How did I get here? So I always thought, "Well, I, maybe I just got lucky." And that was the story that was on record in my brain, you know? That was the record player. And while I was writing this book, last year, I got to that chapter and I was writing it, and I stopped in the middle of it and this thing just washed over me.
And this feeling was, you were exactly who he needed in that moment, and he was exactly who you needed. And now, all of a sudden, I'm weeping in front of my laptop, just feeling this release of this weird thing that we do to ourselves where we have a, a, that thought in our head that says, "I don't deserve, I'm not worthy, or I don't have what it takes."
And we will disqualify ourselves, and sometimes we will do it with our own mouths before someone else has an opportunity to disqualify us. We'll break up with someone before th- we think they might break up with us. We'll do these self-sabotaging moments because we feel, on some level, again, because of the guardian, that we don't deserve, we're not worthy, and we don't have what it takes.
And you wanna hear the irony of that? It's all on this quest of this thing we call success. Define it however you will, whether it's a title, whether it's a position, whether it's a, a bank account, whatever. You get to this moment of, quote-unquote, "success," battling those demons of deserve, worthy, or have what it takes.
You get crested over to the other side. You've had an exit. You, you sold this thing, whatever it is, or this great relationship or what... And you start asking the exact same questions. Am I worthy of this? I- You don't know what I've done. You don't know my background. You don't know mistakes I've made. You don't know some of the things I'm shameful, or that I, I carry shame for and I feel guilty.
Uh, d- do I deserve this? My, my, my, my ma-da- my dad never made this kind of money. Or do I have what it takes? Well, I can't start something new, 'cause what if I screw it up? What if I lose everything I've got? What if people find out I'm finally the fraud I've always known myself to be? This is the bullshit in our heads, and it's because we don't give ourselves permission to be great.
We don't give ourselves permission to be powerful. We don't give ourselves permission to be potent. And the moment that you do, it's not arrogance, it's not pride, it's not ego. It's liberation for you to be exactly what you are designed to be, full of meaning and contribution, light, love, and liberty into this world.
And it's the one thing this world is missing, is everyone rising to the occasion to be an optimized expression of themselves.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Uh, I, I believe that with all of my heart. Uh, and as you say it, though, my... I guess my question would be, so is it, is it as simple as reframing the story?
Angus Nelson: So think of it like so many other areas of our lives.
Like, I wanna look svelte. I want to be fit. What do I do? I go to the gym. We all know it intellectually, no problem. You know, I, I gotta eat my veggies. I gotta, you know, eat some high protein, get some creatine, maybe some supplements. Like, I know intellectually what I... Oh, you wanna, you, you want to, um, uh, be w- you know, well off in the future financially.
Well, you know, I should put aside, you know, 20, 100 bucks every month and just put it into this long-term investment, and after a while it'll accrue and it'll capitalize, and in 25 years I might have, you know, uh, uh, three-quarters of a million dollars. Like, we know these things intellectually. It's really application, and this is, in the book I call it the knowledge action gap, the difference between what we know and what we actually do.
And so when we say these things and, uh, you... like to your, your point, uh, can it really be that simple? The word change, when you tell somebody, "Oh, this is gonna change," the, the two things that pop in your head is it's gonna be hard, it's gonna take a long time, right? But the truth is change is nothing more than a choice, and therefore change can happen in an instant.
The difference between where you want to get to And where you currently are has more to do with what you're hanging onto from your past than anything it is for your future. Because what makes it challenging is we're hanging onto something. There's a, what, what psychology calls a secondary gain. By hanging onto an excuse, by hanging onto a label or an identity, in our mind, it intellectually connects us to a reason to stay the way that we are, and that becomes that guardian.
If I hang onto this, then I can stay in this place, I can have these same expectations, these same responsibilities. But if I go onto this other thing, I'm not quite sure what that requires me. It's feels like it might be heavy, feels like it might be hard, feels like it might be outside of my, my scope. I'm not really It's all stories you made up.
And yet, on the other side of that thing that scares you, the other side of that thing that intimidates you, that other thing that is right in front of you called the resistance, is absolute liberty. Everything's on the other side of whatever scares the shit out of you.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: You saying that is like, it's, it's just, it is a reminder that like yeah, y- you know, you're like, "Oh, well, you wanna lose weight.
Well, you just go to the gym," and you go, "Well, it can't be that easy." And it's like, well, it's not easy, but you do have to like, we know the steps that we need to take to start moving towards the person that we wanna be. And you know, uh, uh, just as we kind of wrap things up here a little bit, I'd love to just, you know, for anybody who's in that space, who really is just like, "I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm feel exhausted all the time, and I don't know what to do.
I don't know why I'm this way, and I don't know what to do," what words of encouragement or hope would you have for them?
Angus Nelson: So let me just start with this. The Neuro Resilient Leader is actually just about learning to lead your life. To your point, it was written as a business book, but it's a Trojan horse.
What we haven't touched on this conversation today is the embodiment. Again, intellectually, the things we've talked about talk about emotion, talks about your neurology, it talks about your psychology, it talks about your beliefs. These are all massive movements that are themes throughout the whole book.
And what it all comes to point to is this embodiment where we then take what we know, these, these things that we have, and we make them a part of who we are. And energy, according to the law of thermodynamics, as my kids would tell, my homeschool kids would tell you, energy is neither created nor is it destroyed, it's only moved.
And our bodies are carrying all of this negative energy. So sometimes you need to do breathwork Take a deep breath and do some box breathing. Sometimes it's meditation, sometimes it's visualization, sometimes it's tapping. If you're familiar with EFT tapping, it's amazing. If you go outside, take your shoes and socks off, walk in the grass, get your toes in the grass so you can ground yourself.
Go to the gym, get your sweat on. Move the energy in your body first and foremost. You'll never connect to these truths until your body releases the energy. Second of all, throughout all this book, there are some specific questions at each one of the evolutions, and I invite you to just explore some of the questions that are there.
For example, why am I not where I thought I'd be by now? That is a sentence, or excuse me, a question that's based on your own calculation of expectation And one of the reasons we suffer is because of our own unrealistic expectations. I should be happy by now. I should be married by now. I should be whatever by now.
Why did this person get this and I didn't? How come I'm not that? I'm not this? Expectations. And when you start getting really honest with yourself about some of these questions that we're having internally, you start realizing that you are discounting yourself on the daily basis, and it's because of the stress and anxiety you're carrying, which creates scarcity.
It puts your body in a state where our amygdala, that reptile part of our brain... That's the most scientific I'm gonna get this entire conversation. The book does not get scientific at all except but for that point, that fight, flight, and freeze. We're operating because of that weight that we're carrying, and when we release that scarcity, suddenly we can see through a different lens, and you can step forward into things that will liberate you far easier because suddenly you have room to love yourself again.
Suddenly you have room to liberate yourself, and that becomes your superpower. And the last thing I'll say is this: Every conversation I start with what I call the Spice Girl principle.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. Yep. I love
Angus Nelson: that. Because most of us are not shaping our lives towards what it is we actually want, and the reason why is 'cause you've never given yourself permission to state it.
You're s- living your life trying to avoid what you don't want. Fill in the blank, whatever it is. Your entire life is in a negative spectrum of avoiding things you don't want But the moment you s- ch- you turn that towards shaping your life around what you do want, that's when the magic happens. When I said to my wife, "Hey, we wanna give our kids this international experience.
We wanna just go explore. Let's just give it a year. After a year, we'll sit down, we'll have a chat." We said, "Okay." We put on the old vision board, 2024, we're going to Europe. It's 2022, we're at the back end of the pandemic, and I'm like, "What are we waiting for?" My wife turns to me after watching yet another one of those international, you know, House Hunter, you know, Mediterranean life shows, 'cause we're all glued to our TVs during the pandemic, and she said, "We're getting out of here.
Let's go." And so we advanced our plan to 2022, and what I didn't realize is that was one step towards what I wanted, which was what I s- told my wife multiple times, "I wanna get off the hamster wheel. I wanna slow down. I wanna get my wits again. I wanna, I wanna be back in a place where I feel congruent." We didn't have Portugal on that map.
That was not on the bingo card. We'd never been to Portugal. We moved here sight unseen. We were looking at Greece, uh, M- Montenegro. We were looking at Albania. We were looking at Croatia. We wanted that Dalmatian coast. Come on, give me that Mediterranean life. And the way that it all folded, unfolded was because we made a choice, we took the first step, the next step revealed itself, and then the next one revealed, and then the next one revealed.
And now here we are four years later. When we sat down r- that first year, we threw our kids into Portuguese schools. They were 10 and 12 years old. Like, tears, crying, coming home from school, pushing through, learning, you know, how to transition. At the end of the year, we said to our kids, you know, "What do you think?"
And they said, "Why would we go back?" And our house in Nashville, we went back and we put it on the market. We said, "Well, we're not coming home." We found a new home. Once you determine what you want, if you are in a state right now where you are feeling the weight of the pain Pause, take a breath, go for a walk, and then ask yourself, "What's the life I wanna create?"
And then ask yourself this one question: "Who must I become to create it?" And do that.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Thank you so much. Thank you. I mean, you know, and thank you for writing this book. Um, I know people are gon- getting and going to get so much out of it. So I wanna first off just tell everybody you need to go buy The NeuroResilient Leader.
Um, and you can buy it, you know, wherever you get your books. But if people want to kind of continue staying connected with you and, uh, learn more from you, where, where can they find you?
Angus Nelson: Angus Nelson all the places, the .com, and all the socials are Angus Nelson. And I will tell you this, if you've listened to this conversation this long, I want you to buy the book, I want you to buy the audiobook, I want you to buy the, the, the, the Kindle, like whatever.
That would be awesome. However, it's more important to me that this mission, this movement, is contagious, so I'm gonna give it to you for free. And you can go to freebook.vip and you can download the PDF.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Everybody go get the free book, and then go buy the book and send it to somebody else, um, 'cause we want to create a movement here.
Thank you so much for, you know, being the kind of person who not only, you know, pushes through and powers through to get a book written, I mean, that alone is a really huge accomplishment, but for being vulnerable enough in your own story to help other people live out th- their best version of themselves too.
So you truly are a badass softie, and I'm so grateful for you to be here today.
Angus Nelson: Well, I will wear that badge boldly. Thank you so much, JJ.
Dr. J.J. Peterson: Well, I, I hope you were taking notes, because I was listening and I'm gonna have to go back and take notes myself, because I loved that conversation. There was so much I got out of it.
But I think one of the things, I mean, the main thing that I got out of it that I'm gonna try to do even today is find one story that is in my head that I keep telling myself over and over again, and begin, take the step to actually begin to reframe that story in me. It's not true, but I've created in my brain this loop that says something negative, and the reality is if I can pause long enough to start reframing that story, maybe, just maybe, my nervous system is gonna be able to relax a little bit.
Maybe I can start moving forward. Maybe I can start finding things and seeing stories in the world that are more meant for me that I've been passing by because I kept going, "Well, that's not for me. That story is not for me." And I hope that you can do that as well, that you can find something. What is something in your brain that over the past year or even, you know, few weeks even, it just keeps coming back over and over in your brain that you know is keeping you down, making you a little more anxious and stressful, or when it comes up in your brain, you start to feel a little something in your stomach?
Instead of running from that, lean into it, identify it, and see how you can find a way to reframe it so that you can start living a better story. Because I think all of us are just tired. We're tired of carrying all this anxiety and stress. Our bodies were not meant to do that. And instead of just powering through and finding that next thing, maybe we need to start paying attention, pausing long enough to start rewriting the stories that have been holding us back.
So let me leave you with this. May you give yourself permission to want what you actually want, not because it can impress other people, not because it keeps other people comfortable, not if for some old version that you settled for years ago, but may you want what you really want. And may you have the courage to rewrite the stories that no longer fit who you are becoming.
May you pay attention to what you are feeding your mind and your heart, the voices, the headlines, the conversations, those stories that quietly shape how you see yourself and what you believe is possible. May you listen to better stories, and may you remember that your nervous system is not a machine.
You are made to rest, to breathe, to laugh, to walk outside and touch grass every once in a while. Because we believe you can be both ambitious and kind, fun and driven, powerful and deeply human. Your leadership can inspire, your success can have soul, and your ambition can make space for everyone. That's why you're a badass softie.
We'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. Follow and subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Badasssoftie.com is crafted by Fruitful Design and Strategy.